A Brokenhearted Trail

There was a guy with a big heart, who just so happened to like young adult and teenagers and not in some kinky perverted way so get your mind out of the gutter.

 He felt for them, because there are so many things that you have to go through as a teenager and a young adult.  The big hearted man had been though these things himself, as a teen and as a young adult.  Luckily, because this man acted like a kid himself, he was able to relate to these groups of the populace at large.

Since this man with the big heart was a minister, he decided to get involved with youth ministry.  For awhile, he was very happy, and he felt like he was actually making a difference in a few lives.  It made the man feel self worth, made him happy, made him feel like he had finally found what he was supposed to do in this world.  All was well and right with the world for 2 years.

 Then a bad thing happened.

It wasn’t an illegal thing, or a horrible thing, just a bad thing.  You see, the big hearted man had trouble with the man in charge of the place where the big hearted man did his youth ministry.  Things began to unravel and the big hearted man became sad.  Very sad.  In the end, the big hearted man had to leave this place.  The youth who once called him at all hours of the day and night suddenly wouldn’t have anything to do with him and treated him like he was not a big hearted man, but a bad man.  This made the big hearted man even sadder.

 He had hoped to find another place where he could once again become involved and make a difference.  After a few months of searching, he thought he had found this place.  So he went there, not with the intent to take over, but just to get involved.  Maybe help out.  Unfortunately, he met with resistance, and wariness, and rumors.  Then, once again, a bad thing happened.  This was a different bad thing than before, but in the end, the big hearted man no longer felt welcome, despite the best efforts of the man in charge of the new place, who also happened to have a big heart.

 Perhaps the big hearted man should have stayed and tried to work through it, but in the end, he felt he couldn’t, for various personal reasons.  Once again, the big hearted man was sad.

 The big hearted man began to feel lost.  The trail he had been traveling became rocky, and had steep hills to climb and he became tired and simply lost his way in the wilderness.

 Well, the big hearted man didn’t like feeling this way.  So, he decided to try and explore other avenues, to try and reach out, to try and make a difference, once again.

He tried and tried several ideas.  The problem was, everywhere he went, he met with resistance and ridicule.  The resistance wasn’t so bad, but the ridicule was.  That was hard for the big hearted man to take.  So now, the big hearted man has stepped back, not knowing what else to do, feeling sad, lost and awkward.  Maybe one day, something will happen, some door will open, and the big hearted man can once again find it in himself to try and make a difference.  Maybe.

But, the big hearted man learned a valuable lesson.  There are many ways to have your heart broken, and all of them hurt just as bad.

It’s been a kinda weird week

At least for me.  I’m not the only one though.  It’s been a weird week for Jay Leno and Conan O’Brian as well.  Of course, let’s not forget NBC.

I’ve been trying.  Racking my brain, listening to others, listening to myself, all of that jazz.  But short of a magic crystal ball, no real good information or advice has been forthcoming.  So what is exactly is the deal?

I’m trying to find out where I fit in.

When it’s said like that, it sounds kind of sad, but it’s not meant to be.  We all long for a place to fit in, to be accepted for who and what we are.  The problem is, rarely can you find such, unless you have the luck of the Irish.  Something my father apparently didn’t pass on to me.

Years ago, I was called into the ministry.  Which, if you know me, or knew me I should say, was like a vast cosmic joke.  I mean KEVIN being called into the ministry?  You’ve got to be kidding!!!  But.  It happened.

It changed my life.

In so many ways.

I changed.  Not in a bad way.  In a good way.  I liked the new me.  I loved the new me.  I had a passion for helping people and ministering to people.  I wanted to share the Love Christ showed me with others, so they too could experience it.  It’s a tough row to hoe people, I know that.  I was warned of it, and I have experienced it.  I’m not here to complain about it.

But something funny happened on the way to me becoming fully involved with ministry.  I had a bad falling out with my church, my pastor, and his family.  I felt at the time that God had released me from that church and me and my family left there.  I was extremely broken hearted over it, and in some ways, I still am, struggling to let go of the past and move forward.  But….. I’m only human.

We found another church.  A church we liked.  Unfortunately, we once again found trouble.  Not with the pastor, who remains my pastor and a terrific friend, but with several families there.  Once again, I was left heartbroken.

I know that this thing isn’t supposed to be easy.  If for no other reason than ministry is about the people, people who have flaws and make mistakes.  Just as I am flawed and make mistakes.  But nothing has seemed to work for me.

I have two friends who went into ministry, one at the same time, one later and both are currently pastoring churches.  Sure, they are experiencing the highs and the lows of that, but it was almost as if all the right doors were opened for them.  That has not been the case for me.  Don’t get me wrong, I am in no way jealous of them.  God put them there, so how can I be?  I am proud of them both, and support them both.  I also pray that God will grant them many won souls for Christ.

But me?  Every door has been shut to me.  Each door I tried to open was locked.

I had a fine ministry going.  I was a youth pastor.  I love teens and young people.  I’m 40+ years old and most of the time would rather be in their company than those of my age group.

Part of that is that some things younger people aren’t as judgmental on as adults my age.  I dislike judgments of any kind, and try my hardest not to be judgmental.  I think there are to many people who are in church who do nothing but judge, and the body of Christ suffers for it.

Be that as it may, I lost that ministry.  Because of their parents, my entire youth group turned on me and let me tell  you, that was a very painful moment for me.

I lost friends my age because suddenly, I was no longer in a position at the church where I was ministering at.  That also hurt.

My family was accused, as well as I, over something false, and there was nothing the pastor could say or do to change this person’s mind.  Plus, it was something this person had done once before with another family in the past.  I feel we were blameless, but that is life.

So now I am left with my wife and daughter who have no desire to be in church any longer.  They have been hurt enough.  I can’t really say I blame them.  There are days I don’t want to be in church either.  But not for the same reasons.

Basically, I don’t belong anywhere.  I have no place.  I have no avenue for the future.  Where do I belong?  Where do I fit in?

My pastor says he thinks I should start an internet church.  There are plenty out there, and some are extremely successful.  But once I started looking into it, nothing was coming together.  Once again, I was met with locked doors.

So with my ministry in shambles, and things in my personal life, I honestly feel locked out of a lot of things.  And that I don’t belong anywhere.  It’s not a good feeling at all.

Don’t feel sorry for me or pity me.  That is not what this post is about.  Instead, this post is about me admitting that I feel like I don’t have somewhere to belong.  That I don’t fit in anywhere.  I don’t mind people reading it or commenting on it, but this post was basically to me, for me, by me.

I know I need to find the right direction.  I know I need a sign.  I know I need a lot of things, including an attitude adjustment.  I also need to stop letting other’s opinions of me stop putting stumbling blocks in my way.  I have no idea what God wants from me, and that is not a good thing.

But I will continue to struggle.  I will continue on my path in this life.  Over the rough spots and the easy ones.  To give up is to fail, and in God’s eyes, failure is impossible.

Until then, I will still be here, with the “what if” dreams and thoughts.  And the “I wish” dreams and thoughts.  And the “I want” dreams and thoughts.

Until next time…..

~ Kev