What about my needs?

I’m 42 years old now. I’ve survived my childhood as a hyperactive kid, my moody and broody teenage years, my ridiculous notion that I was grown up and ready to conquer the world in my twenties, the infamous “Christ Complex” at age 33, a small child who has grown into a beautiful teenage daughter, twenty years of marriage and I’m now looking at the quickly approaching middle aged mark.

At times, I think I’ve done pretty well for myself.  Other times.. not so much.  Still, I’m still married, I have a wonderful daughter and most days I feel pretty blessed.

I have grown over the years, no doubt about it.  Not just up and out, but emotionally and mentally as well.  Despite the fact, there are still moments of insecurity and other issues that plague me.  I know I’m not alone in this, because people have talked to me, I’ve read articles, and etc.

When I was a baby, where I’m sure various people dropped me on my head on a number of occasions, my needs were fairly simple.  I needed touch, food, sleep, care, love.  I needed help in learning some basic things.  Like how to walk, how to talk, what to do and what not to do.

As I became self aware, as a child, not much changed there.  Oh I might have been able to walk and run, but now I needed to know how to walk and run in the right direction.  I still needed touch, food, sleep, care, love, how to talk, and what to do and not what to do.

As I became a teenager, despite my actions to the contrary, I still needed… the exact same things.  But I also needed to learn to love, not the simple innocent love a child has, but a more grown-up love.  Instead of getting all of those things, it had come time for me to learn to give some of those things as well.

As a young man, in my twenties… well, I still needed the same things.  I still needed to give those things.

In my thirties and now in my forties, well, nothing much has changed.  Except I have learned more about love and the things I really need, and how better to give those things that others require of me.  Perfectly?  No.  I’m far from perfect, being only a man, but I try and I continue to learn.

I still need to be touched.  I still need to feel wanted and needed, I still need care, I still need love, I still need food and sleep, and I still struggle in learning what to do and what not to do.  Add that to the fact I still need to learn to walk and talk, just not like I did as a child.  Now, that walking and talking involves relationships, friendships, my marriage, my daughter, and my relationship with God.

There are days when I still feel like I have so much to learn.  In truth, I do.  I have come to realize that in these things, I will never stop learning and never be perfect.  It just isn’t possible.

I’ve also come to realize something very important though.  The things I need, the things i still need, well I can’t always depend on people for those things.  The reasons are legion.  But it’s true none the less.  Sometimes I’m needy, and other times I’m not.  I would like to think that I’m one of those people who the non-needy days out weight the needy ones, but if I’m honest with myself, I know that isn’t true.  My wife is one those people.  Most days it looks like she really doesn’t need anyone or anything.  Strong and independent.  I wish I could be more like that.  I can also see that my daughter is taking after her mother.  She to is strong and independent.  When I sit and think about it for to long, well, it shames me that I can’t be more like them.  This is no reflection on them, my parents, or my friends, but being a kinda needy person, coupled with people who aren’t, well, often times the things I need they can’t give me.  It just doesn’t occur to them, because they are strong and independent.  Don’t get me wrong, they DO try.  More often than not, and I’m not complaining.

But, back to what I realized though.  There is only one that truly knows me, so deeply, so intimately, that this one can give me everything I need.  This one understands me in ways that no one else does, and no one else ever can.  Every fault, every desire, every need, every thought process, this one knows.  Even the dark deep secret things that I never let out to see the light of day, this one knows… and understands.

Care?  This one gives it.

Love?  This one not only gave it, but continues to give it.

Food?  This one promised to provide, and has never let me down.

Sleep?  That is more of a natural thing, but often when I can’t sleep, this one helps.

Needed? This one makes me feel needed and wanted.

Touch?  This one touches me in ways that go beyond the physical, beyond anything I could have imagined.

Someone to talk to?  Check.  Teaching and helping me with my walks?  Check.  Helping me with the direction I am supposed to take?  Check.

In short, this one gives me everything I need, day after day, week after week, month after month and all that is required is for me to ask for it.

I’m talking about Jesus of course.  The one who truly knows me.  The one who promised never to leave or forsake me.  The one who loves me beyond measure, beyond comprehension.  The one who gave his life, willingly, for me to have the opportunity for eternal life.  The one who knows all my faults and mistakes, and loves me anyway.  The one who is proud of me, when I accomplish something, and rejoices with me.

That’s powerful.  That’s awesome.  That’s sobering.  That’s inspiring.

How can I not love him?  How can I not want him?  How can I not need him?

How can you not?

~Kev

The Life of Riley

When I decided to start a blog, I thought long and hard on a name for it.  I’ve never been one to be overly clever, for that, you could look to my wife, Donna.  Eventually, I settled on the Life of Riley, but not just because my last name is Riley.  The truth is, I’ve often thought that this particular saying, that implies luck and good fortune, living the high life, etc, was a bit of cosmic joke on me.  All because my last name is Riley.

I’ve had my share of hard times in life.  I’m sure you have too.  What can you say, other than, such is life?

But today, especially today, I’m rethinking the cosmic joke.

Today is my wedding anniversary.  Today, I’ve been married to Donna for 20 years.  Am I proud? Yes I am.  Am I happy?  Yes I am.

I met Donna at Ukrop’s, a local supermarket chain before I turned 18.  The first time I saw her, I was completely blown away at how beautiful she was.  I was not the only one to think so either, so if you ever see her and she says I’m just prejudiced, don’t believe it.  Donna had a lot of guys chasing after her.  The cool guys, the tough guys, even some really rich guys and famous guys.  No, I’m not naming names, but suffice it to say, that I knew Donna was beautiful, and it just wasn’t me who thought so.  She always had some guy wanting to ask her out.  The ones with the cool cars, the ones who were popular, the ones everyone knew and liked, no matter what their character.

Was it any wonder that although I found her beautiful, the first thing that went through my head was, “Man, I would love to go out with her, but nah, she is sooooo out of my league”.

I wasn’t one of the cool guys, or the right guys, or the famous guys.  I was never popular in school, had few friends who were close, and frankly, I was a nerd.  A band geek to be exact.  The marching band?  In it.  Into computers when computers didn’t have hard drives?  Into it.  Liked star trek and read sci-fi?  That was me.  I rarely went to parties where the cool popular kids went, just to band parties.

Like i said, Donna was way out of my league.

I’ve never been a shy person though, although now I’m much more open.  I started talking to her, and like the geek I was, daydreamed about being her “guy”.  Donna has always been a massive flirt, something she does as easy as breathing, and despite my geek status, she talked back to me and even flirted with me some.  Boy, do I really need to tell you that I was on cloud 9 on those days we worked together and she spoke to me?  Nah, I didn’t think so.

But eventually, somehow, she finally saw past the geek status, and we went out.  Now before you think that is such a great accomplishment on my part, hold on.  Donna dated a lot of guys.  She had a strong set of morals, and many guys she went out with were really only after one thing.  Not so surprising really.  But despite knowing this, she went out with guys she thought were nice, or would be nice, or were cool.  For some reason, she gave me a chance.  We went out a few times and then I went away to college.  She continued to date, while all I did was continue to think about her.  Slowly, our relationship changed and in a move that still leaves me scratching my head, she fell in love with me, long after I fell in love with her.

We continued to date, and all the while I was in college, I used to tell my roommate, with a wishful voice, that one day this woman would be mine (and not in a he-man chauvinistic kind of way).  Once out of college, our relationship flourished and I finally asked her to marry me.  For some reason, and I honestly believe it was the fact she was on drugs at the time (legal ones of course), that she said yes.

So on a beautiful April day, we were married.  Twenty years ago today.

We have had our share of ups and downs.  Hard times and good, but the fact is, we are still together.  But she is still way out of my league.

I’ve come to appreciate her more than just for the fact she is beautiful.  She has a giant heart, can be so kind and compassionate it continues to amaze me, and is smarter than I could ever hope to be.  She is also one of the most versatily talented people I have ever known.  Be it making large wedding cakes, to flower arrangements, to decorating, to drawing, to graphic design, her talents never cease to surprise me.  Beauty, brains, talented, and a heart of gold.  She has it all, and always has.  I just wish that she could see herself as I see her.  Yes, she has faults, we all do.  When we were married, she wanted to honor her father and liked her middle name, so she changed her middle name to JP and took my last name.  Recently, I told someone while she was there with me that JP stood for Just Perfect.  Strangely enough, she and the person I told laughed, but I wasn’t really joking.  To me, she is just perfect the way she is, despite her faults, and gifted with so many talents.

One other amazing feat she accomplished was giving me the most beautiful and talented daughter any man would be proud to have as his own.  Our daughter is so much like her, that every day she does something that reminds me of Donna.  I like it that way, because the world could do with more people like them both.

I’ve never been famous, I’ve never done anything great or awesome, and I know that I tend to bore people to tears.  I talk a lot, I’m still a geek at heart, and I have a lot of faults myself.  I’m under no illusions on that score.  I’m far from perfect and often times despair at how awful a person I can be.  I’m a better person now than I used to be and I know I have Donna to thank for that.  She has taught me so much about love and compassion that it has truly changed me as a person.  Made me a better person, a better man, a better husband, and a better father.  I’m still not perfect at these things, but I’m still learning from her, every day.

No matter how bad things have been in our life, one of the constants that I have always had was her.  Not only is she my wife, but she is my best friend.  She knows me better than anyone, and not just because we have lived together for 20 years.  I’ve been able to open up and tell her some of the things that people tend to bury deep, not wanting others to see, and have only gotten love and compassion in return.  She is, in a nut shell, the most amazing person I have ever had the honor of meeting and the fact I’m married to her still blows me away, even after 20 years.

I wrote this blog in honor of our 20 year anniversary, and to say, that when I reflect back over the years we have had together, the name of my blog becomes true.  The life of Riley is just what it implies, all because of her.  I’m a lucky man, and I know it, but she is still way out of my league.

I love you Donna, happy anniversary.  We made it to year 20, and here is to the next 20.  I’m looking forward to seeing what else you will teach me, making me a better person than I am today.

~ Kev

My Abba, My Father

There always comes that time. You may have thought that after the last time that everything would be ok now… forever. But it doesn’t work out that way. It will happen again and once more you will pay for it in some dreadful manner. It’s like the tides. It’s coming and nothing you do will stop it. It’s as inexorable as time itself.

Abba, I’m so alone. No, my child I AM always here.

But Abba, I can’t seem to get back on my feet. Then My child, I will lift you up and give you a rock to stand on.

But Abba, I can see the storm coming and I can’t stand in the face of it. It is but a storm, and you, My child. My voice will calm it.

But Abba, I just don’t think they care about me anymore. I don’t think they love me and I am lost. I always have, and always will love you, and My love is a perfect love that never changes. Reach out to Me, and I will guide you back.

How can I believe them Abba? Their actions don’t match their words. Put your faith in Me My child, for My words are as law. I AM the Alpha and the Omega. The Beginning and the End. I am unchanging and I have always been and always will be. My words gave birth to the universe and in them, you will find no fault.

But Abba, it hurts so much, I just don’t think I can take it anymore. Then, My Child, I will ease your pain, and My grace will be enough to see you through.

But Abba, it’s not fair. I don’t deserve this. Then do not be as the world, My child, be separate, IAM, and therefore keep yourself to me and your reward will be in heaven.

But Abba, why does it have to be like this? Because My child, as hard as it is to understand, I created the possibility for it out of love.

But Abba….. I mean… are you sure? Are you sure you really love me? Of course I am sure, you are My child, whom I created like none other. My child who I have given every important thing to. My child, for whom I gave up my life for, and rose again, so you would know that one day, when it’s all done, your pain will be but a memory, your despair will be gone and your suffering will turn to joy, for you will be here by My side, where you always belonged.

My Abba, my father, I will never understand how I once went through life without you. Where everyone has failed me, has hurt me, has rebuffed me, you never have. The joys of this life can not compare to the joy you give, by knowing that no matter what, you are there for me when I have no one else. It is a comfort to me Abba, that only you truly understand me. That I don’t have to pretend, that I don’t have to hide what I am feeling or thinking. I do not have to be ashamed in what, and who, I really am. No one else can see the whole me like you Abba, yet still, you do nothing but love me in such a perfect way. I know Abba that you, and only you, would never do anything to hurt me. That you really only have wonderful things for me. That you desire only wonderful things for me. You never hide from me Abba, you never pretend with me, instead giving me your love for no reason that I can possibly understand. Oh Lord, how can I not give you me.. my all.. my everything? Words are not enough. Praise is not enough. Nothing is enough to show you what you are to me, but even still, you know. How can one as insignificant as me, the lowest of the low, deserve your love? You never make me feel less than a man, less than a person, less than nothing. I may not understand it Lord, but oh how I welcome it. Love it. Need it. Want it. And now, now at this time, at this place, the only reason I have left to go on. To keep trying, to try and persevere, to run the race before me. I want to make you proud my Lord, because I can not make anyone else proud of me. Not for prides sake, but for love’s sake. You truly are my fortress, the one thing that keeps me sane against the insanity and pain of the storms that rage around me. I love you Abba, and one day hope that in some small measure I can love as you do.

With all my love and devotion,

Kevin