What about my needs?

I’m 42 years old now. I’ve survived my childhood as a hyperactive kid, my moody and broody teenage years, my ridiculous notion that I was grown up and ready to conquer the world in my twenties, the infamous “Christ Complex” at age 33, a small child who has grown into a beautiful teenage daughter, twenty years of marriage and I’m now looking at the quickly approaching middle aged mark.

At times, I think I’ve done pretty well for myself.  Other times.. not so much.  Still, I’m still married, I have a wonderful daughter and most days I feel pretty blessed.

I have grown over the years, no doubt about it.  Not just up and out, but emotionally and mentally as well.  Despite the fact, there are still moments of insecurity and other issues that plague me.  I know I’m not alone in this, because people have talked to me, I’ve read articles, and etc.

When I was a baby, where I’m sure various people dropped me on my head on a number of occasions, my needs were fairly simple.  I needed touch, food, sleep, care, love.  I needed help in learning some basic things.  Like how to walk, how to talk, what to do and what not to do.

As I became self aware, as a child, not much changed there.  Oh I might have been able to walk and run, but now I needed to know how to walk and run in the right direction.  I still needed touch, food, sleep, care, love, how to talk, and what to do and not what to do.

As I became a teenager, despite my actions to the contrary, I still needed… the exact same things.  But I also needed to learn to love, not the simple innocent love a child has, but a more grown-up love.  Instead of getting all of those things, it had come time for me to learn to give some of those things as well.

As a young man, in my twenties… well, I still needed the same things.  I still needed to give those things.

In my thirties and now in my forties, well, nothing much has changed.  Except I have learned more about love and the things I really need, and how better to give those things that others require of me.  Perfectly?  No.  I’m far from perfect, being only a man, but I try and I continue to learn.

I still need to be touched.  I still need to feel wanted and needed, I still need care, I still need love, I still need food and sleep, and I still struggle in learning what to do and what not to do.  Add that to the fact I still need to learn to walk and talk, just not like I did as a child.  Now, that walking and talking involves relationships, friendships, my marriage, my daughter, and my relationship with God.

There are days when I still feel like I have so much to learn.  In truth, I do.  I have come to realize that in these things, I will never stop learning and never be perfect.  It just isn’t possible.

I’ve also come to realize something very important though.  The things I need, the things i still need, well I can’t always depend on people for those things.  The reasons are legion.  But it’s true none the less.  Sometimes I’m needy, and other times I’m not.  I would like to think that I’m one of those people who the non-needy days out weight the needy ones, but if I’m honest with myself, I know that isn’t true.  My wife is one those people.  Most days it looks like she really doesn’t need anyone or anything.  Strong and independent.  I wish I could be more like that.  I can also see that my daughter is taking after her mother.  She to is strong and independent.  When I sit and think about it for to long, well, it shames me that I can’t be more like them.  This is no reflection on them, my parents, or my friends, but being a kinda needy person, coupled with people who aren’t, well, often times the things I need they can’t give me.  It just doesn’t occur to them, because they are strong and independent.  Don’t get me wrong, they DO try.  More often than not, and I’m not complaining.

But, back to what I realized though.  There is only one that truly knows me, so deeply, so intimately, that this one can give me everything I need.  This one understands me in ways that no one else does, and no one else ever can.  Every fault, every desire, every need, every thought process, this one knows.  Even the dark deep secret things that I never let out to see the light of day, this one knows… and understands.

Care?  This one gives it.

Love?  This one not only gave it, but continues to give it.

Food?  This one promised to provide, and has never let me down.

Sleep?  That is more of a natural thing, but often when I can’t sleep, this one helps.

Needed? This one makes me feel needed and wanted.

Touch?  This one touches me in ways that go beyond the physical, beyond anything I could have imagined.

Someone to talk to?  Check.  Teaching and helping me with my walks?  Check.  Helping me with the direction I am supposed to take?  Check.

In short, this one gives me everything I need, day after day, week after week, month after month and all that is required is for me to ask for it.

I’m talking about Jesus of course.  The one who truly knows me.  The one who promised never to leave or forsake me.  The one who loves me beyond measure, beyond comprehension.  The one who gave his life, willingly, for me to have the opportunity for eternal life.  The one who knows all my faults and mistakes, and loves me anyway.  The one who is proud of me, when I accomplish something, and rejoices with me.

That’s powerful.  That’s awesome.  That’s sobering.  That’s inspiring.

How can I not love him?  How can I not want him?  How can I not need him?

How can you not?

~Kev

Bitterness

Bitterness is, unfortunately, a part of everyone’s life.  Perhaps your bitterness stems from the loss of a parent, or a horrible and unexpected divorce.  Perhaps, worse yet, yours stems from the loss of a child. An unexpected layoff with no hope for employment in sight.  A lingering and debilitating illness.  An incurable disease.  Bitterness comes in many forms.

Bitterness is like a dark and very cold room.  Once inside, with the door closed, it’s impossible to see the way out.  You could search for it, and eventually find it, but there are other things that lurk in the dark, cold room that scare you.  If you were able to provide light, there you will see others who suffer from bitterness.  Each one has been chained to the wall.  Chained because they too couldn’t find the way out.  Eventually, the same will happen to you.  Your own bitterness from loss and deception and hurts will chain you as surely as the others you would see in that dark, cold room.  The chains are heavy, and being metal, they crown you with the cold of the room.  Stealing you warmth faster as more and more chains bind you.

Once there, with the others, you will find yourself crying out in despair.  You will grumble, complain, wail.  All against eh unfairness that is life.  Soon, like the others, you will think the whole world is out to get you.  Bitterness breeds and spreads like a virus.

But there is an option.  You could choose.  You could choose to put away your hurts before you get chained.  You could go to a party.  There is a place there for you.  In fact, your name is beside a plate, a place reserved just for you.  If you are a child of God, no one can take your place, no one can take away your sonship, your birthright.

The father said this to the oldest son.  “Son,  you are always with me, and all that I have is yours.”

And that is exactly what your heavenly Father says to you.  How does God deal with your bitter heart?  By reminding you of the things you have and how much more important they are than the things you don’t have.

The most important thing you have is your relationship with God.  No one can take that away from you.  No one can even touch it.  No one can take your place at the table at the party.  You name is there, the place is reserved, just for you.  How can this be?  Because you are His child, and His love is perfect.

On Christian Dating and Relationships

 

I recently came across a blog that talked about teenagers dating. What was said in this blog was nothing I haven’t heard before, from many corners and different denominations. So, once again, I found myself getting riled up, if that’s the right word, and decided to address the issue myself.

So, you have kids. They are fast approaching that age where they will begin to notice members of the opposite sex. So, as a Christian parent, you are faced with a dilemma. To allow, or not allow. Dating that is.

As Christians, we look for knowledge and advice on all areas of our life in the Bible. That is how it should be. There is, after all, plenty of pretty specific instructions in there. How to treat other people, what your priority should be, how to conduct yourselves, and a whole lot more. God does, after all, care enough about us to want us to behave in a manner that is not only pleasing to him, but is also pleasing to others. All the while, keeping ourselves from joining in with the rest of the world in a sinful manner.

However.

There are plenty of areas in life that are NOT specifically addressed in the Bible. Does that mean God doesn’t care about those areas of our life? NO! What it means is something entirely different. What exactly that means is something I hope you will come to understand through the course of reading this.

Specifically, I am going to address one area of life that is not information specific in the Bible. That is dating and relationships. While this is not teenager specific, because hey, people don’t automatically get married when they stop being a teenager, I hope that Christian parents who have teenagers will pay close attention and consider carefully what I have to say.

Well, enough of an introduction. It’s time to get to the meat of the issue right?

I’m going to start off by stating what many seem to think. Dating is something you should refrain from, instead, letting God bring the right person to you, the one you are meant to marry and spend the rest of your life with.

Their thought is that it allows people to put people before God. That lust will over power teaching and lead to premarital sex. That it accomplishes nothing other than provide opportunities for mischief. They use certain scriptures to back up their thinking. I won’t list them here, instead I will address those scriptures later on.

Understand that I am shortening their arguments and statements. If you go and do a search on Christian dating and read through the many sources available, you will see that is what I have done.

So, what is it I think about dating? Should teenagers be dating? Should you date at all? I believe you should. I find nothing wrong with dating, provided that it is proper dating. I see nothing wrong with having a relationship with someone you are not married to. Even when, and maybe especially when, you are a teen. If you are saying to yourself that you better have some pretty good and compelling reasons to think this way, hang on, because I believe I do.

Let’s go back to the beginning for just a moment. God created Adam. Then, because Adam had no others life himself, he created a companion for him. A woman. Now I think Adam was a pretty lucky man, because Eve was made specifically for him. He was alone one day, and the next, there was Eve. A gift from God, just for Adam. Very nice right?

But then Adam and Eve had children. Eventually, those children grew up and what happened? They got married. I hope you will notice that not once in the book of Genesis did God tell Adam and Eve that this child should marry this child. In fact, nothing was made note of it at all, other than so and so married so and so and began so and so.

Why?

A good and controversial question.

To state my case, I am going to be using FACT, SCRIPTURE and PSYCOLOGY. I don’t think you can do anything but when addressing something that isn’t information specific in the Bible ok?

God created men and women so that they would be attracted to each other. But because he made us all unique, he made it so each of us have things we find attractive in another person that others don’t.

Now pay attention here, because this is important. IF GOD DIDN’T WANT US TO BE ATTRACTED TO ANYONE BUT WHOM HE WANTED US TO MARRY, THEN WE WOULDN’T FIND ANYONE ELSE ATTRACTIVE. That’s right, that little crush you had on that supermodel when you were a teenage boy is something God CREATED in us.

Now, some of you might be saying that is the devil, filling us with lust. Wait a minute now. Are you trying to say that you are that much of a sinner? That as a Christian you let the devil take hold of your life that much? I don’t THINK so! Do we still mess up as Christians? Of course! We aren’t perfect after all, but the point I’m trying to make is this. Finding someone attractive does not equal lust, and therefore does not equate to blaming it all on the devil. God created us, and therefore he created BEAUTY and therefore it is only logical to understand that you will find members of the opposite sex attractive.

Why am I saying all this? Because being physically attacted to someone is the first step. The first step that will eventually lead to marriage. Make sense? I certainly hope so. Now, if you were to tell me that you don’t find yourself physically attracted to your husband or wife, I’m going to seriously wonder about you.

So, now you find yourself unattached, and physically attracted to someone. You don’t want to be alone the rest of your life, nor does God. So what do you do? What do you need to do? Why that is simple. You need to get to know them better. Not only to see if they share your ideals, but some of your interests, and also, to see if they are a Christian, like you. The best way to do this, if the other person finds you attractive as well, is to go out and spend time with them. Now, you can play the semantics game if you want, but I believe in calling a spade a spade. You might want to call that developing a Christian FRIENDSHIP, but what it is? It’s dating.

In this manner, you will discover what you need to know about the other person, and so will they. Can you two get along? Do they share interests that you do? Do they share the same morals that you do, even if they are a Christian? Most importantly, you will discover if this is someone you could see yourself spending the rest of your life with. You will discover if you have feelings of love for this person that goes beyond that of Friendship.

Does this mean that at 16 years of age, this is the goal of you going out on dates? NO WAY! Instead, it is a time that a young person, or even someone who isn’t a teenager, to discover what they do, and don’t like. To discover what they can, and can’t live with in another person. I can NOT stress the importance of this simple fact. You have wants and needs. Everyone does. I’m not talking physical wants and needs here, I’m talking emotional ones.

If you never develop ANY type of relationship before marriage, how are you to know? What happens if you never find any of this out, and you meet a nice young girl at Church and you are attracted, and everyone, including your parents, think that is the person God has brought to you to marry. You might even think this to. But then you go ahead and get married, and after several months, realize that this person does not make you happy? That the way they treat you does not meet your emotional needs and even though you have talked to them about it, things aren’t getting better? It’s to late now isn’t it? You’re married, and as you know God doesn’t like divorce. Never did and never will. One of the things that everyone should learn in life is this: You can not change a person. They are who they are, because God made them that way.

Now, the people whose stance is that you shouldn’t date, but instead, wait for God to bring the person you should marry is actually teaching their kids that they should be putting God so far above EVERTHING and EVERYONE that other’s needs don’t matter. I’m sorry to put it that way, but it’s the simple truth. If you don’t know exactly what your emotional needs are, then how can you find out if a person might be able to meet them in a marriage? And let me tell you this, making your spouse happy is a BIBLICAL concept. A INFORMATION specific instruction. Paul spoke quite a bit on it. However, I think the very best scripture to back this up is the one found in 1^st Corinthians 13: 4-7.

“Love is patient, love is kind, and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” (NAS Version)

I think that passage clearly talks about meeting the emotional needs of your spouse. Now, instead of hiding from it, I will also address the physical needs of your spouse. This is what Paul stated in 1^st Corinthians 7:3-5.

“The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except perhaps by agreement for a set time, to devote yourselves to prayer, and then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control”.

In other words, don’t deny sexual pleasure to one another in your marriage.

But that is almost getting to far ahead. I just wanted to make the point. Why? Because physical needs in a marriage CAN be addressed. Emotional ones can to, but only TO A POINT. Because remember, you can’t change a person.

Some people will argue with me and say, if your emotional needs aren’t being met, then if they pray about it God will change that person. Why? Why do you think this? God has ALREADY made that person who He wanted them to be.

I guess to summarize the point I’m trying to make, it is important to understand that it is a vital part of your life in learning about yourself, about your emotional needs, and about your likes and dislikes as it relates to relationships. The only sensible way to discover this is by dating. But I will address exactly what I mean by dating a little later.

Now, I want to discuss what the Bible does say about dating. It’s important to know that it is believed that in Biblical times, people didn’t date at first. Instead, marriages were arranged by the parents. This was a betrothal, a binding agreement for marriage. Once the man took the girl into his home, which was typically right after puberty, they were considered married, but the consummation of this marriage didn’t take place until a year later. (See Genesis 21:21, 24:1-4, 38:6, and Judges 14: 1-2).

The various ceremonies and marriage vows did not exist as far as we know. Instead, they came later.

But, later on, there are hints of courting, or dating. These references can be found in Judges 14: 7-8, Ruth 3: 7-11, and Song of Songs 2: 8-14.

So to simply come out and say that dating goes against Biblical principles in wrong.

Also, there is no indication in the Bible that we are predestined to marry a certain person or that there is one special person or “soul mate” that we should find and marry. Except for the preference to marry another Christian, we are free to marry whomever we wish (1^st Corinthians 7:39)

Which is a fine time to bring up my next point. People seem to forget one of the greatest gifts that God gave to us. Free will. That is also something that can not be discounted. Of course, if we love God, we want to please him and follow what the Bible tells us, but because he has given us free will, he has allowed us to seek out a partner of our own choosing. It isn’t until we make the commitment of marriage, and become one in his eyes, that He starts to get information specific on relationships.

So, if you DO allow your children to date, what are you supposed to do? After all, there is a lot of pressure out there for a lot of bad things. Sex, drugs, rock and roll, you know the usual culprits. Well, as the Bible says, you need to raise your child right, teach them how to live a life pleasing to God. We do that by not only getting them in church, but by also talking to them and telling them what is acceptable and what isn’t. In a lot of cases, we should have our Bibles out and be prepared for these discussions so we can show them scripture. I think we sometimes fall a little short on doing that to be honest. I know at times I have.

Now I know you might be thinking that a teenager isn’t going to listen to you. You can even give me rhyme and reason to prove it. But I want you to understand that you have a lot more influence in your teens life, as their parent, than you realize. They DO listen. They might not always do what you think is right, but they DO listen. Also, even if they won’t admit it, they RESPECT what you say. As a former youth pastor, I know this for FACT. Because I’ve gotten teens to open up to me about it. Of course, I also got the complaints. “They just don’t understand”, that kind of thing. But even when they were complaining, for the most part, they were following their parents wishes. You’re teenagers won’t always agree with you on everything, but hey guess what? It’s because they either don’t have the experience in life you do, or because they are their own person. Remember, we all make mistakes. Even as adults, but usually, the mistakes we make aren’t usually as life altering as a mistake a teenager might make. Our friends give us advice and we don’t always listen, our boss tells us what to do and we don’t always listen and God tells what to do and we don’t always listen. None of us is perfect.

So, when you teach your children what is right and acceptable to the Lord, they WILL listen. They will even try to do as you have taught them. They might make mistakes, but then again, don’t you make mistakes sometimes? Of course, nothing is ever that black and white, and this isn’t either. I know I have tried to teach my daughter things that she doesn’t agree with and has blown off. But if I show her specific scripture, that says “don’t do this” she tries to live to that standard, because she is a Christian.

Also, you have to look at your own life and how you are living. That might not make a lot of sense, but how about this. Let’s say for some reason you are no longer married. We won’t get into the WHY of it. But you are now single, raising a teenager. Does this mean you aren’t going to date? If you have told your child they shouldn’t be dating, and then turn around and date, well do you expect them to listen what you have said? Might be a ridiculous example, but I hope you think about that. Also, what other avenues in your life are you not living to God’s expectations? If your child sees you “cheating” then guess what? They might to.

There is something else I want you to consider. Your child is not a robot that you can “program”. They are a unique individual, with their own thoughts, ideas, needs, and desires. When you try to tell them they can not date, then you are trying to “program” them, and keep them separate from the world. They might honor your wishes until you no longer have a say in the matter, or they might go behind your back. I’ve known several teens who were not allowed to date. One a young lady, the other a young man. The young lady ended up pregnant and had to get married. The boy got a girl pregnant and unfortunately, they didn’t get married. But he is a father today to this child, an absent one.

I’m just going to come out and say it like I see it. I don’t disagree with home schooling. I think it’s great. But I also have seen parents who separate their children SO MUCH, by home schooling, and not allowing them to date, that when they finally do leave home, there were completely unprepared to handle the real world. Being separate from the world means living your life different than the sinners, it doesn’t meant locking yourself away from the world. That is what the David Koresh’s of this world are trying to do. That’s some scary stuff people.

So, are there any negative impacts do not letting your children date? I think so yes, but this is not a Biblical thing, it’s my very own opinion.

• You don’t allow them to learn about themselves, their likes and dislikes.
• You don’t allow them to learn that sometimes what’s on the inside is more important than beauty.
• You don’t allow them to learn about their own emotional needs.
• You inhibit their maturity by not allowing them to learn how to interact with the opposite sex.
• You run the danger of creating a rebelliousness in your child.
• You don’t allow them to learn from simple mistakes on how to treat someone they care for who isn’t a family member.
• You don’t get to guide your child in important matters on choosing someone who is right for them.

So, if I think dating is ok, what do I mean by dating? I think it’s ok for a young girl and guy to be able to get to know each other, by talking on the phone. By going out and hanging at the mall together, or going to a movie together. I don’t think there is anything wrong with them holding hands. I don’t agree that they should start sharing kisses for a long period of time. I think it is wise that when they are “dating” that they hang with other people, like friends. They should not do anything that goes against what God would find pleasing. I think that if you allow your children to date, then they should be dating a Christian boy or girl.

Now, lets differentiate between what the Bible says, and Conviction. There is a difference. I know a man who refuses to watch any TV or any movie. Period. It’s a personal conviction of his. You might feel personally convicted to not allow your children to date. That’s fine, and your choice. But I hope by reading this, you will know the facts behind what the Bible actually says about dating, and use that to help make your decision.

So let me close by saying this. There is no Biblical reason NOT to date. God has given no indication that he already has someone chosen for you and will bring them to you. That’s Biblical. By not allowing your children to date, and trust in them to try in every way to follow the Biblical teachings you have provided is not doing them any favors. You need to allow your children to learn to interact with others, including members of the opposite sex, to not only allow them to learn about themselves, but also others. To be able to learn what they like and do not like. What they want in a husband or wife when they do find someone they fall in love with and want to marry. That’s the Psychology side of things. Boys and girls are going to be interested in members of the opposite sex no matter what and just may go behind your back if you inhibit them to much. That’s fact.

So, when considering if you should allow your child to date, make sure you make an INFORMED decision. Don’t fall prey to those who think their conviction says that the Bible says you shouldn’t date. But hey, don’t take MY word for it. Take GOD’S word for it. Look it up, research it, and then make the right decision for you and child.

Until later, still not liking the thought of my daughter and boys no matte what this entry says,

Kevin (the worrying father)