An Infamous Day

Some mornings when you wake up, you just know this day is going to be one of the ones that go down in infamy.

Today was one of those days for me.

I was awakened this morning by a very intense, very sharp, pain in my side.  I thought at first that my wife had finally tried to kill me in my sleep a giant had crept into my room and kicked me in the side.  The pain was awful.  I got up and inspected my side for stab wounds took some Tylenol in hopes that whatever it was, would go away.  Unfortunately, it didn’t.  I started to get concerned after an hour and I began to think I was suffering from appendicitis.  My manly whimpering attempts to work through the pain woke up my wife, who decided to take pity on me.  Despite my protests, she decided it was time for me to do something about it, so she told me in no uncertain terms I was going to the ER.

I’m a fairly smart man most days, and thankfully, today was one of my smarter ones, because when my wife makes up her mind, there is just no stopping her.  So we got dressed and off we went to the hospital where my wife made sure to hit every bump in the road in some bazaar form of retribution.

When we finally arrived at the ER, I was lucky enough not to have to wait long, because by this point, the pain was so bad, I had an evil mind set.  Despite being the manly man that I am, I don’t tolerate pain all that well.  The registration nurse ignored my chants of “give me drugs” and got me registered.  I find it funny that they have this one particular question they ask.  They ask you, on a scale of 1 – 10, with 10 being the worst pain you have ever felt, rate your pain.  Hunched over, whimpering in pain, with bloodshot eyes, I calmly asked her if 10 was as high as it went, because 10 wouldn’t describe the pain I felt.  For some reason, she thought that was hilarious.  After shooing me away, I hobbled back to the waiting area and started chanting again tried to be patient, if you’ll pardon the pun.

I got back into an exam room and didn’t even mind the degradation of having to strip and put on one of those exam gowns designed my some evil alien that we all love to hate.  Then I got a visit from the local vampire who wanted my blood.  Apparently, he was a young vampire, because even after repeated sticks and probing with a needle, he was unable to get any.  So they called in a younger, but far more experienced vampire who finally found a vein that interested her.  Personally, I think there was a group of vampires outside the room laughing quietly at the whole ordeal.

Then it was time to pace back and forth, ignoring the repeated question of “don’t you want to lay down?” because I was in far to much pain to lay down.  Plus, it hurt worse when I did.  Finally the Doc came in, looking like some Swedish Model and took one look at my evil glare, heard my chanting, and fled to get a nurse who was loaded with pain medication.  FINALLY.  All I have to say is that whoever invented morphine, may they be blessed.

Then it was time for my exam and the Swedish Model of a doctor did all manner of things, like poking and pressing on my side where it hurt, and thumping my back over my kidneys.  Because I didn’t scream like a girl and try to kick him, he said, he thought I might have appendicitis.  They ordered up a cat scan and I was forced to drink this awful concoction that they claimed would taste like Sierra Mist, but instead tasted like swamp water from the depths of hell crap.  Off I went to have my cat scan done.

You know, it’s funny how some people are.  One of the scan techs began to amuse me with tales of how I would feel like I was burning up with a fever, feel sick to my stomach, and feel like I peed on myself from the additional glow in the dark contrast concoction that they gave me though my IV.  When the other technician came to give me this concoction, after the evil tech had left the room, he silently told me it wouldn’t be as bad as she made it out to be at all, to just relax.  I swear I saw fear in his eyes, which made me think the other tech was actually an evil alien body snatcher.  The cat scan went smoothly and I was taken back to my exam room.

At this point, I was fully expecting to be told I was going under the knife, to remove a misbehaving appendix.  So it was with some surprise that I was told by my Swedish Model doc that I had a kidney stone after all, and that it was passing from my kidney, which was causing all the pain.  So I was given a handful of prescriptions, one for pain thank the Lord, and was told to go home and prepare to learn what it was like to have a baby wait for the stone to pass.

The person who gave me instructions, which in my drugged state I was unable to process, told me I needed to name my stone, like it was a baby, because that so totally makes sense.  Then, feeling relief that at least I wouldn’t have to have surgery, I stumbled into my clothes and let my darling wife help me walk out.  Thankfully, she decided to be nice and not let me fall, because let me tell you, that morphine was kicking my behind.  So off we went, and I could swear that I could hear the vampires still snickering, and the Swedish Model Doctor imitating the Swedish Chef Muppet.  But that could have been the drugs.

My daughter says that I should name this stone “Arpeggio”, because “that’s such a fun word to say”.  You know?  I think she is right.

~ Kev

A weird week for clothes

Some weeks are just plain odd.  You know, the weeks were the universe swirls it’s finger saying “eenie, meanie, minie, MO!” and point right at you.

Apparently, this week was my turn.

It was the week for clothes.  Not buying clothes, or selling clothes are doing the torturous wonderful task of clothes shopping with my wife.  No, the weirdness happens to fall under a entirely DIFFERENT category.

Earlier this week, I had a court date.  It was only an hour long (thank God) and wasn’t anything difficult.  But while there, something happened that made me cringe in absolute horror and I know turned at least another 1/3 of my hair white.  Oh well, at least I still have hair, right?

While sitting in the back, the man up front was sitting there doing his thing.  His back was to us and I was daydreaming of a trip to Aruba paying very close attention to the proceedings when suddenly…..  He stood up.

I cringed.  I averted my eyes.  I gagged.  I threw up a little in my mouth.

What IS it with people who refuse to wear clothes that don’t even remotely fit?  I really want to know.  I also want to know why the fashion police didn’t barge into the court room and make an arrest!  Now THIS was a major crime!

As the gentleman was standing up, the entire room was treated with about 6 inches of his butt crack.

Maybe he was just proud of that part of his anatomy.  Or maybe a new trend to attract women was started and I didn’t get the memo.  Or maybe the man needs to learn to wear clothes that fit.  His shirt?  To small and to short.  His pants?  Not going there.  I mean come on people!  Would you PLEASE pay attention to details when dressing?  Just a little?

Now we fast forward two days.  Today in fact.  It wasn’t even 6:30 AM and I was just stepping out of the shower, naked as the day I was born (try not to think about it, or you will be the one gagging and throwing up a little).  I’m drying off and I hear my alarm going off for the second time.  I could have sworn that I had hit the off button, but somehow the fates had set me up to be mortified.  In all my wet and naked glory, I rushed out of the bathroom to silence the madness so that the alarm would not wake my sleeping wife.  Stepping out, what did I find?

Was it one of the four cats that own my wife?  No.

It was my daughter.  Standing there, in my bedroom doorway.

Do you understand?  I. Was. Naked.

I growled and cut the alarm off and was at least relieved that she had turned around, but was surprised she wasn’t screaming her head off and clawing at her face yelling “My God, my eyes, my eyes!”

She SAYS all she saw was my naked butt.  Which makes me feel better, but I’m still mortified and worried that I will soon have to pay a gazillion dollars for therapy for my emo sweet little girl.  No one wants to see me naked, especially my daughter.

Which brings me to the next point.  Despite the circumstances, despite the differences, somehow, I got placed into the same category as the butt crack man.

That doesn’t make me happy.

Maybe next week the universe will point that swirling finger at someone else.  I hope.

~Kev

Shopping Fun

Since times are hard, one of the ways we like to try and save money is by shopping at second hand stores.  It’s something we have liked to do for many years now, but now more than ever, it’s quite helpful.

While my lovely wife is doing her shopping, I run around the store like a typical man go on hunts for things she might find useful.  I’m very helpful like that.

Somehow or other, I end up pawing browsing though items that people have thrown away decided they didn’t want anymore.  What is amazing is the things you will actually find.  Some of the things I come across are wonderful finds, while others quite frankly leave me scratching my head.  It’s not that I think people have strange tastes.  One man’s tastes will differ from another’s.  What amazes me is that companies actually make some of the things they do.

Take these wonderful child plates for example.  What better way to force fast food on children to induce a child to eat their veggies than such at these plates!  Just imagine the joy a child will feel, eating his veggies to reveal his favorite fast food characters so that they can terrorize their parents into going back again and again!

Then, I came across evidence of either a very upset Nascar family, or one going through Rehab for addiction to cars driving in circles.

Now I know some people have some strange tastes.  I also know designers have strange tastes.  But this?  This is monstrous to say the least.  This is supposed to be.. some kind of lamp.  No seriously.

 

thiJust imagine the wonderful ambient lighting you can get from that.  Personally, I think it’s kind of creepy.

Now I know that sometimes, companies don’t pay attention to details like they should.  This one is pretty easy to accept, but I can’t help but poke at it.  I’m glad they were ready for the start of the new Millennium, a year early.

This next one, bought to you by the folks who are constantly asking “What’s in your wallet”, just plain confuses me.  What is this supposed to be?  What were they thinking?

Ah well.  To be honest, I’m really not interested in finding out.  Well, there ends the fun in second hand shopping for this trip.  Take care all!

~ Kevin

OMG I’ve been twitter-pated!

So after today’s snow adventures, I was sitting here wondering what I should do for my next trick.  The choices where as follows:

• Shave (I haven’t shaved since last Thursday)
• Irritate my wife (one my favorite past times)
• Posting pics of my daughter on my Facebook and making her cranky
• Set-up a twitter account

Guess which one won?  The twitter-bug.  I don’t know why.  I don’t know what got into me.  I really don’t.  It could be those aliens that are circling and taking FAIL pics of people trying to drive in the snow here in Richmond.  Maybe.  You just never know amiright?

Look, don’t be putting me into official geek-dom or trying to make me some kind of on-line an hero.  I just felt like I’m the best thing since sliced bread that someone might actually like to follow me as I go about my day to day stuff.  You know, driving long hours and thinking of bizarre stuff, seeing the absolute crazy stuff people do, and generally, the funnies in what I like to call “The Life of Riley”.

So if you are of a mind to follow little old me.  Feel free.

http://twitter.com/kevriley

If you follow me, and would like for me to follow you, just let me know, and ok, did that give you an image of the pied piper or what?

~ Kevin

OHMYGOSH SNOW!

So yeah.  Living in Richmond, Virginia, we usually get passed in the snow department.  Instead, we are more likely to get freezing rain.  But not this time!

I don’t know if I should be full of joy or irritated honestly.  I mean it’s Monday and I’m supposed to be working.  But we got 10” of snow on the ground and Interstate 95 was a mess this morning.  I probably would have been in “danger danger” if I had tried to leave Richmond.  If I hadn’t have gone North, I would have gone Southwest, and they got even more snow.  So it looks like I’m working from home (as well as writing this blog).

My overly hormonal sweet cute little girl, who is 16, has decided to go out and build a snowman.  It will be interesting to see how she does.  I know it’s only 10” of snow, but she isn’t even 5’ tall.  She might get lost out there.  Don’t worry, I will rescue her eventually immediately if she does.  When I went out to check on her, I had to shake my head in wonder.  Her snowmen are… tiny.  I asked her what was up with that and she should build a big one and she grumpily sweetly told me to mind my own business.

My little brainiac is a card.  She finally finished with her midget snowmen, and they actually look kinda cute.  The finished product?

I finally got the cars cleaned off.  Then I decided to go inspect the local scenery to see how my neighbors faired.  The streets don’t really have that much snow on them as of this afternoon, but still, you could see how early it was no easy going for locals.

I don’t understand why Richmonder’s are just plain convinced that they can go out and drive in the snow.  Especially when the storm we get equals more than an inch.  They should know better, but yet something strange seems to come over them and forces them out of the house to go popping around town.  Personally, I’m voting for Aliens, who want to hover in their flying saucers and take pictures of the hillarity of the whole thing.  Maybe they have their own FAIL website, like the one at Fail Blog. I guess, since we rarely get snow here now days, it’s just a case of crazyness quickly on-setting cabin fever.  Brave Richmonder’s, gotta wonder about love ‘em.

I wish they would learn to stay in their houses.  That way I would feel safe going out.  Not that I’m some expert in driving in the snow, but I’m a lot better than most.  I’ve had a lot of experience driving in the snow, not to mention that my father worked for the highway department for untold years and took my young self out to actually teach me about driving in the snow.  He must have done something right.  Or maybe I’ve just been lucky.  Either way you look at it, I can, for once, say I’m better than most in Richmond.  Ok, yes that sounded conceited.  So what?

While I was out a little while ago, taking a gander at the kids playing in their yards and laughing at the pileup of cars on the side of the road, I almost got hit.  Minding my own business (for the most part), this tiny little Honda came skidding – barely – to a stop halfway into the road at a stop sign.  He was obviously driving like there was no snow on the road and decided to wait to brake to a stop like on any normal day.  Just goes to show you I am right about the Richmonder’s.  His look of fright was plain to see and actually gave me a nice little pop to my day.  I have a Durango, and if he hadn’t stopped, and for some reason I didn’t, well…. he would have had an annihilated car.  I might have suffered a scratch.  Luckily, a collision was avoided quite easily.

Regardless, the snow is beautiful, and I’m glad Richmond finally got some.  Everything is white and clean looking.  Thanks mother nature.

Tomorrow should be an interesting day.  It’s going down to 11 degrees so the mush, what’s left on the road, is going to be solid ice.  Oh joy.  I’m sure the local insurance agents in the area will be losing lots of sleep this week.

At the moment, I’m enjoying watching my wife and child take our cats and putting them outside in the snow.  No seriously, they are out there practicing “cat tossing”.  They are indoor cats, so of course, the cats are suffering a sudden case of “WTF!?!?!” and tearing back inside, their tiny cat faces full of fright.  Now that’s some good stuff.  Indoor cats and snow equals lots of lolz.

Can you just SEE the evil glint look of joy in my wife’s face as she enjoys introducing one of our cats to the snow?  Let me just say, I’m glad my wife never needed to teach me how to swim.

Here is another one of our cats who was introduced to the snow.  Notice how she is trying to climb the wall of our porch.  Poor kitty (laughing hysterically).

Maybe tomorrow I will take my camera out with me when I go back to actual working on the road.  I’m sure I can find some interesting pictures.  I guess we will see.  However, for now it’s time to go, back to getting paperwork done, until the sun goes down and I once again venture outside to see how bad things are.

~ Kevin